The House Raising/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who was voted head of possum lodge, 'cause the other body parts were spoken for, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you very much. Got some bad news, unfortunately. A bit of a disaster this week at the lodge. Buster hadfield's house was burned down by his budgie. Oh no. How did that happen? Playing with matches. Buster lets the little guy fly around. He eats bits of potato chips from between the couch cushions. He got poking around where he shouldn't have, and he plugged himself into an electrical outlet. Oh, that's awful. He went up just like a flare, harold. Didn't even blow a fuse on that one. The house burned to the ground. That's hardly an accident. You guys don't have smoke detectors, alarms. Your fire extinguishers are never charged up. It's a wonder there's not more fires. Didn't even blow a fuse. That was a dead short. Wreckless, irresponsible negligence, uncle red. Buster has no home. What did we learn from our most recent disaster? We learned that even an adult, fully-grown budgie draws less than 15 amps. (laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Around here, people get down, but they don't stay down. We're gonna turn buster's fire into an opportunity. You going into the charcoal business? No, harold -- we're gonna do what the pioneers did. You're moving to california?! -- Oh! Oh! Oh! Maybe I can meet spielberg. I got this idea, this treatment. The treatment's not working. (laughing) think back to the pioneers, ok. What did they do when the guy next door's house burned down? Keep their own houses wet. Harold, they'd all pitch in and build the guy a new house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ok, like a barn raising. Except this is buster's house. No, you know, I think barn raising is a good analogy. You know who does that is the amish and the mennonites. Instead of a bunch of devout craftsmen, it's going to be a gang of drunks. Well, I figure it will go a lot faster. Later on in "adventures with bill", we'll be doing some high-wire walking. But I had heard -- one of the fellas told me that bill was stuck up at the top of a flagpole, and they asked me to go and get him. But what had happened was he was trying to get the flag down. Communication is -- that's when -- and the -- anyway, bill had apparently shinnied -- you don't very often see an adult shinny. You're still not. But, of course, I didn't get there till he was up at the top. He was stuck up there. I'll get you down. It's all right, just relax. I think if I get the pole vibrating, he's got to slide down. Relax -- you'll be down in a minute. Oh, you're fine, you're fine. Boy, oh, boy. Sometimes the fear is so strong in them, their fingers tighten up, their fingernails dig into the pole. Luckily, I had a little chain-saw unit there. Where there's a will there's a way. (laughing) sorry, bill. Don't thank me. That's fine, that's fine. ♪ oh, sometimes I get to thinkin' ♪ ♪ 'bout all the mistakes I've made ♪ ♪ all the people I've hurt ♪ ♪ and all the bills I haven't paid ♪ ♪ sometimes I get to thinkin' ♪ ♪ I should change and get on the ball ♪ ♪ but then I turn on the old t.V. ♪ ♪ and I don't get to thinkin' at all ♪ ok, for a free chiropractic adjustment at arnie's autobody shop, uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Humphrey to say this word, "wolves". Ooooh, go! Ok, dalton, these are like dogs, only bigger. My wife's side of the family. No. These are animals, dalton. They travel in packs. Yeah, that's my wife's side of the family. Come on, come on. These are like a fox, only bigger. Bigger teeth. My wife's side of the family. Why do you keep saying that? Just feels good, that's all! No, no, stop it. These are wild animals. They howl at the moon, eat rats, travel in groups, and hunt out the weak and the sick. I'm gonna have to go with my original answer on this. These animals hardly ever hurt humans. Oh. You're gonna have to give me another clue on that one. Describe your wife's side of the family eating. Wolves. That was it! This week on "handyman corner", we're gonna do one of the most common, and yet, one of the most difficult handyman projects. We're gonna hang a door. Here we have a portable washroom whose door has been ripped off during some kind of a gastronomical emergency. And over here, we have a door. So what we've got to do is get these two together. First, make sure that the door is the same size as the hole it's gotta go in. No -- a little too tall. So, we'll just mark her, and... No lead in my pencil. We've all be there, haven't we? I'll tell ya, car key works just as well. Mark her up... And then cut off the excess. All right, got our door cut now. All we gotta do is mark where the hinges go, stick them on. Oh. You see the problem we got here. We've cut far enough into the door that we're into the hollow section, that's no good, 'cause we'll get rain and shingles and hornet's nests, anything that falls off -- but, you know, there's a real simple solution. Flip her over. Just mark where the hinges go, and stick 'em on there. I've got the hinges marked. I got to cut these out. Ordinarily, I would use a chisel, but, I don't have a chisel. I did have a chisel, but I had it for more than a week, so it's more of a screwdriver. That's what happens when you use them as a hammer. I'm going to use the hinge itself. That way I know I'll have a perfect fit. You might want to have a couple of extra hinges, just in case. We're all set. Just... Attach our hinges to our door jamb, just like this. See what you've done here? You've mounted the hinges on the wrong side. Now the door is going to open in. That's not going to work. Plus, real dangerous in a fire. And around the lodge we have plenty of those. You know what? Dead easy to fix. Not that easy. I find it a lot easier to put the screws in with a hammer than it is getting all those blisters from a screwdriver -- oh, no, that's a chisel. So just take her over now, and mount her on the side there. And just... Horse her in. And she's just that easy. Isn't that a beautiful job? You can make a few-- there's always adjustments. You can cut that off -- no, that's not gonna work. I got an idea. (engine starting) where there's a van there's a way. Beautiful, beautiful job. So remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. They'll find me in the shed. (door handle rattling) ahh. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it. I wanna talk to you old guys about telling stories that nobody wants to hear. You know, in hollywood, they actually have a system for telling stories. Say, for instance, you have a movie idea. I've got lots, but, anyway, a professional begins with a concise premise of one or two sentences. Something like, a meteorologist and his ex-wife chase tornadoes across the mid-west and a bunch of special effects happen! If people like that -- only if they like that, you can go on and tell the treatment. That's a little bit longer version. If they like that, you can go into the full-blown screenplay. That's two hours. So, you see how they do that? They tell a little bit of the story to see if people are interested. You old guys, you might wanna try that. Next time you see a bunch of teenagers talking about something really interesting, like the new alanis morrisette c.D., and it reminds you of one of your amusing stories, don't launch right into the two-hour version. See if you can get their attention with something like, "one time I, uh, "I had to change a tire in the rain "on the way to a wedding." (laughing) if you're met with cold stares, don't tell the story. Pitch out another idea. "did I tell you about the time I stepped in a birthday cake?" if they're interested, only if they're interested, go on with a longer version. But, as far as the two-hour version is concerned, trust me, we're willing to wait for the video. Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it. (sighing) (audience laughing) two hours ago, buster's house was a smouldering ruin. Now his new place is ready to move in. When the lodge members come together, there's nothing we can't do. Big whoop! Putting up a house -- waaahh! It was a pre-fab home. It arrived in a truck, taken off by a crane. All they did was sit around in lawn chairs and heckle the poor crane operator. Guy got so nervous, he didn't put it on buster's property. (audience laughing) harold, when somebody says "shut up", it's not advice you can take or leave. You're supposed to do it. I give you advice and you don't take it. We're not equals, harold. I know, but I don't hold that over you. (laughing) buster's house is where it should be, thanks to us. We chipped in and buster got a great deal. A home, huh? It's a houseboat. Hey, hey, come on! Buster's kids got a roof over their head, a back porch big enough to take an outboard motor, and a basement that will never flood. It's the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Show some respect -- that's buster's house. It's more like buster's ark. Well, if it is, harold, you can't get on it 'cause we'll never find two like you. (audience laughing) um... Hi, my name's buzz. I'm a man. (harold): Hey, buzz! Hi, buzz. Um... I acted like a guy yesterday. (red): Oh, boy. I really couldn't help myself, right? She's got this food processor and it broke. It was stuck on "mince". She said, "I'll take that to the repair shop." I said, "whoa! Let me fix it!" she said, "no! Thank you. "remember what you did to my t.V.? "remember what you did to my blow-dryer? "remember what you did to my typewriter and yogurt-maker?" I said, "what's the point?" she said, "so..." I said, "I won't touch it." she left it on the counter, a broken food processor. How can women do that? You gotta take it apart and see what's wrong! You gotta! I didn't touch it. All week, I walked by. It's taunting me, talking to me. It's saying, "I'm broken -- you can't touch me. "you can't fix me." I wanted to take-- I didn't. One night, I snapped. She went out to bingo and I got my tools out. I took that food processor and I ripped 'er wide open! I-I-I couldn't fix it, you know. (audience laughing) but I put it back together and it looked almost exactly the same as it used to. You know... She came home. She took one look at me. She looked at the blender. She said, "you tried to fix it, didn't you?" (harold): Aww! What gave you away? The duct tape. (audience laughing) "a poem by alfred, lord tennyson... Green. "half a league, half a league, half a league onward, "all in the valley of death rode the 600, "theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, "theirs but to do and die. "into the jaws of death, "into the mouth of hell, rode the 600. "boy, that was the best ever pay-per-view 'wrestlemania.'" (audience laughing) (red): Well, time for "adventures with bill". Gonna do the high-wire thing. Earlier, we freed up the flagpole so he can actually use that. That's the way he uses flagpoles. That's the trouble with bill. He's gonna use that to-- you know they have the balance bar that they use. Well, that's-- ohhh! Bill's a dangerous man. I can't wait to get him on the high-wire. I'll take one end of the rope. I'm gonna hook that onto one of our bigger trees, and bill's got the concrete block, and I'll whip that around and tie that on in, I think, a reef hitch. And then bill's gonna wedge that block into the tree and then we'll tighten the rope between the block and-- look at that, look at that, huh? There he is! He's like a wallenda. You ever heard of the wallendas? They're a famous circus family. If there ever was a circus family, it's bill's, I'm figuring. Look at that -- of course, with bill, soon as he gets anywhere close to doing something right, he feels like he's on top of it. He can-- he's cocky. There you go -- you don't need that, do ya? With the wallendas, though -- wait a minute. Weren't they "the flying wallendas"? Why were they called "the flying wallendas"? Ohhhh! Oh, I see. So what we did was we added more weight. I had to add more blocks so there was more weight on the thing, and we had a ladder. We took a kid's bike, took the tires off. With the tires off, the rims will sit on the rope and, like I say, with bill, once he gets close to something, he tries to make it so hard that he can't do it. Kinda like the peter principle of adventures. This could be the peter adventures, adventures with peter. Peter... Peter... Peter... Uh... No, it won't work. So he gets on the bike. Get on there, away you go. On you get, on you get. Away you go, on you get. Away, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on. There, and by golly, I think the flagpole is the secret. And just, you know, a word of safety -- don't stand close to bill. He could be crossing niagara falls, couldn't he, on his bike, and everything. And then, you know what happens, he thinks, "wouldn't it be fun to bounce?" which he often says at parties and he gets going too much there goes the pole and the blocks fall and he goes like a slingshot. Away you go, bill! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, boy! Ohhh! By golly, now, that has gotta hurt. That's why, at the circus, you pay up-front. All right, there, bill? Ohhh... He'll be on his bike awhile, I'd say. Here's the possum lodge oath, all done in needlepoint, sent by a viewer. I said that wasn't buster's property. I said, "you're building on the wrong land. "buster's ends at the fence." I told you! Why didn't you tell me when the crane was here and we could move the house? I told you when you picked the spot! I said, "buster's property ends at the fence." why didn't you say it louder? I did say it louder and I said it several times. You told me to shut up. Why didn't you persist? You can't stop doing something just 'cause somebody tells you to shut up. If I persist-- oh, shut up, harold. Well, anyway, we got buster's house now 50 feet off his property. We wanted to pick a good site with a nice view and a ways up from the smoking ruin of his old place. Now we gotta move his house, do the old change-of-address thing. You're gonna drag that houseboat over 50 feet of rocky, well-treed land? We're not stupid, harold. (audience laughing) junior singleton says if we grease the hill, we can slide 'er down. (audience laughing) (laughing) wanna tell you teenagers you're not fooling anybody. Your parents know what you're doing. You think they don't know where you're going, what you're up to, the people you're hanging out with? Not that long ago, they were doing the same things. They don't want you to know. Otherwise, you'd think less of them. Believe me, they know. Are you with a parent now? You see that grin? They may say they don't know but they know, and now you know that they know. If they won't admit you know they know that they know you know, ask your grandparents, 'cause they really know. If they say they don't remember, that means your parents bought 'em off or there's a court order and no one can talk. You know what that means. Your parents were big-time problem teenagers. That increases the slack on your leash by 100 miles! Believe me, I know! (audience laughing) it's "male call"! (audience laughing) ok. Our first letter is from mr. Pea ches in atlanta. Who? Mr. Pea ches in atlanta. Peaches? Is that the name? Yeah, pea ches -- hoo-hoo! "dear red, my brother mat ches and I are fans of your show." matches? Her brother's name is matches? Who? Peaches. Pea ches is a he. A boy named peaches?! What parents name their boys peaches and matches? Well... Well, let's see. Their parents' names are ret ches and bel ches. Retches and belches? Where do these names come from? They're southern people -- they included a family photo. That's the whole ches family. There's ret and bel, pea and mat. Peaches, matches, retches, and belches. Sounds like a law firm. Makes you want to settle out of court. Well, good news. We solved the problem of buster's new house being built on somebody else's property. With a little ingenuity, we got his house on the right side of the boundary line. You moved that houseboat over 50 feet? No, we moved the fence over 50 feet. No, uncle red, you can't do that! That's someone else's property. It's flinty mcclintock's property -- he didn't mind. He moved his far fence 45 feet onto moose thompson's. Then moose moved his fence over 40 feet and bob stuyvesant's 35 and so on, all the way down the line. Everybody gave up five feet and got their fence repaired. That's what neighbours are for. Wow, that's neat, uncle red. That's a real pioneer spirit. I am very impressed. You may not be. The last five feet was onto your parents' property and your bedroom was right on the line so your bedroom is now on someone else's land and you are old man sedgwick's son. (audience laughing) (possum squeal) meeting time. Are you still my uncle? You go down and say hello to dad. Ohhhh! If my wife is watching, I've had quite a day. I put out a burning house, buried a budgie, replaced a house with a houseboat, and re-drew the boundary lines across the whole community. You know what? I deserve a reward. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold sedgwick and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (harold): Stand up! Rise and shine! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): What's on your mind, harold? (harold): You know that commercial, it says four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum? That 5th dentist is moving here so you can eat whatever you want. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!